Her lips hadn’t moved much this last half hour which wasn’t like her. Quiet and reserved – two things I’d never known her to be. She sat across from me with her legs crisscrossed applesauce which made her look younger than she was; but, not in a way that took anything away from her beauty. Her hair put up in a ponytail gave way to sharp features that somehow always made each look she pulled intense in a way like she planned it out before hand. This one, this look, that hasn’t left this last half hour, didn’t look intense or even serious in the normal way she held her face in between thoughts. She looked wistful.
Quiet for this long normally meant that something was wrong or something was about to be.
“Hey bub- everything okay? You’ve been quiet.” I asked tentatively.
“…yeah. Just thinking.” She said pulling her eyes from the train window to look at me, force a smile, then look back out.
I couldn’t tell if it sounded like she wanted to talk more about it or not so I settled with
“okay.”
Maybe ..5 minutes later, she got up from her seat, sat next to me, and moved my journal up so that she could lay down with her head in my lap.
“Well hello there” I said as I arched down to kiss her forehead. She squirmed a little as I did. “Can you read me what you’re writing?” She said using that same smile she had earlier.
“Of course. You still doing okay?” I asked again.
“yes. I’m fine.” She responded sharply.
Cold fingers, colder toes,
only the lonely bed
knows
How cold alone goes
On it’s way to nowhere
Each night admitting only one.
Always the same
This life’s too tame-
“I haven’t found a way to finish it.” I said trying to describe my dissatisfaction at its incompletion.
“It’s sad.” She said.
“Well yeah, it’s supposed to be.”
“What are you sad about?” She asked, not looking at me as she spoke.
“Oh, nothin” I said.
Today was their anniversary. Three years together this very day. He had planned this weekend getaway to a ski resort in northern Colorado nearly a month before; before it all happened. Now, if you asked her then and there, she’d tell you she loved him. Same goes for him – he’d tell you he loved her. He would however tell you it’s been a hard three weeks and four days but then again, so would she.
He had found out she had cheated on him with one of her coworkers. Yeah, sucks huh? While he was out with her celebrating at one her many friend’s birthday bar runs, he overheard the friends laying into my girlfriend about not telling me. Ironic that it was this exchange that led me to find out otherwise I still wouldn’t know. It’s been three weeks and four days that I’ve known my girlfriend cheated on me but have yet to say anything.
If you think about it, what good could come of me confronting her? I love her and she loves me. I don’t want to break up. This is just a hiccup in our story. That’s all.
The train was bumpy as it was getting closer to the lodge that they were to stay at this weekend. Her head bounced up and down in his lap as they made their way over a bridge that didn’t look or feel like it was supposed to be holding up a train. The trees had begun to turn white and the air went crisp as they climbed higher and higher up the mountain.
His chin had a cut on it from where he had knicked himself shaving. I loved running my hand on his cheeks after he had just shaved – the skin like what sandpaper feels like. I think so at least – haven’t touched the stuff since grade school. I could feel his voice in his stomach as he spoke and it reminded me of how these feelings with him, the closeness, I hadn’t found anywhere else before. His lap was warm and the familiarity of being like this, with him, made me happy.
A smile crept up but I made sure to stuff it back down before he could see. I wanted to be happy with him here and now, on our anniversary – but it didn’t feel fair. I knew something he didn’t and because I did, each moment I started to feel happy with him I was reminded of how I don’t deserve this.
About a month ago, I fucked up big time. I love my boyfriend, like a lot.. but, over the last few months, it had been different. We weren’t spending as much time together and when we did, it was just to eat or watch tv before bed. We didn’t go out anymore and when we did, he has his friends and I have mine – they don’t really blend. It had gotten to the point where going out with him felt like a chore rather than a treat. Not because a lack of love or anything like that, but maybe a dulling of it?
I’m still so in love with him and don’t see myself with anyone else, but is that me lying to myself? It has to be because that month ago, I fucked up and slept with someone else. Not someone I even like which makes is worse somehow. It happened one night after work when all of us had gone back to some house to continue drinking after the bars had closed. These late night drinking parties were common among my coworkers but had never interested me much on account of having a warm bed to go home to. But this last month, that bed wasn’t warm, it was overheated. Sleeping in it was suffocating and I couldn’t understand why. So after drinks and hours had gone by, people began falling asleep. When this guy grabbed me by the waist and took me to his bedroom, I let him. When he kissed me, I let him. And when he asked to fuck me, I let him. I don’t remember falling asleep in that bed but I do remember waking up and feeling naked – feeling exposed. I want to remember it as exciting because that’s what I think it was supposed to feel like but it wasn’t. It was scary – being in that bed, like that, with someone I barely knew. All that night before I hadn’t thought once about my boyfriend. But that morning, I couldn’t think of anything else.
“How much longer until we’re there?” I asked him.
“Uh I’m not sure. It looks like we’re getting close though.” He said peering out the window. “What do you want to do first” he asked playing with my hair as he said it.
It felt so good and I closed my eyes for a moment, then sat up, moving through his hands that had been laid over me. He stirred at the gesture but didn’t say anything.
“Let’s go for a drink – drinks.” She said.
“Yeah we can go for a drink! Hit the ground running huh?” He said energetically.
“Yep!”
The exchange felt so filtered. So fake and forced. She hated that it felt so awkward with him. He was always the person that it was effortless to be with – and now, it wasn’t.